Meeting Boy

"Boss out sick, so someone else will have spout buzzwords and assign busy work today."

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:01:53 -0400

“Boss out sick, so someone else will have spout buzzwords and assign busy work today.”

"Great! A vendor is coming in to talk about their “great process”. I look forward to 40..."

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 19:02:05 -0400

“Great! A vendor is coming in to talk about their “great process”. I look forward to 40 PowerPoint slides of globes, arrows, and handshakes.”

"Thanks to the four 2-hour process meetings the boss held, we can now do half as much in twice the..."

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 19:00:28 -0400

“Thanks to the four 2-hour process meetings the boss held, we can now do half as much in twice the time.”

"You’re right, no need to decide now— let’s have another meeting to argue which..."

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 19:00:45 -0400

“You’re right, no need to decide now— let’s have another meeting to argue which shade of green to mark completed items on the status report.”

"The boss is such a go-getter he promised we would kill THREE birds with one stone. And by we of..."

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 19:01:48 -0400

“The boss is such a go-getter he promised we would kill THREE birds with one stone. And by we of course he means the department, not him.”

"It’s not a CONFERENCE call if you do all the talking; that’s a lecture."

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 19:01:47 -0400

“It’s not a CONFERENCE call if you do all the talking; that’s a lecture.”

"I came in here with a full cup of coffee, now it’s empty. Meeting over."

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 18:59:15 -0400

“I came in here with a full cup of coffee, now it’s empty. Meeting over.”

"Nice try, west coast office, trying to set a conference call for 4PM Friday. No, the New Yorkers..."

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 19:00:15 -0400

“Nice try, west coast office, trying to set a conference call for 4PM Friday. No, the New Yorkers will not be calling in at 7PM.”

"Three middle fingers in morning status. Usually it’s only one, maybe two, so today we’re..."

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 19:00:38 -0400

“Three middle fingers in morning status. Usually it’s only one, maybe two, so today we’re going to be lucky if no one goes to jail.”

"A fax? You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?"

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 18:59:49 -0400

“A fax? You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?”

"No, no, the process document you spent two weeks on isn’t a waste— the binder it’s..."

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 18:59:21 -0400

“No, no, the process document you spent two weeks on isn’t a waste— the binder it’s in makes a great door stop.”

"Passive-aggressive sign went up in employee kitchen. No one will admit they’re behind it, but..."

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 19:00:14 -0400

“Passive-aggressive sign went up in employee kitchen. No one will admit they’re behind it, but the misspellings are a dead giveaway, Dave.”

Office Vampires? That sounds too nice for what my boss is.

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 10:33:39 -0400

Office Vampires? That sounds too nice for what my boss is.:

Rex Huppke has a column this week about emotional vampires at work, and it’s interesting in that it breaks out into 4 types of vampire:

Antisocial vampires: bullies and con artists. The bullies are always itching for a fight. And Bernstein said the con artists “create an alternate reality, like a stage hypnotist. They’re good at figuring out what it is you want to hear; they’ll make promises and lure you into doing exactly what they want because they seem so nice.”
Histrionic vampires: Ppeppy and positive, yet unwilling to listen to any form of criticism. “The kind of bosses who think attitude is everything,” Bernstein said. “If you complain about anything, you have a bad attitude. They think this is the greatest company in the world and we’re No. 1 in everything, and anyone who says different, there’s a problem with that person.” They gravitate toward people who agree with them and shun those who speak their minds.
Narcissistic vampires: These can be people who never actually accomplish anything, yet are legends in their own minds, or actual superstars who do whatever it takes to accomplish their goals. A quick example would be corporate leaders who make huge cuts in staff while granting themselves big bonuses. “The attitude is, ‘It’s OK for me to use other people because they’re not as important as I am.”
Obsessive-compulsive vampires: These are the micromanagers and control freaks who drain us dry. They’re driven by fear of making a mistake. The worst thing you can tell them is, “It’s not a big deal.” To them, everything is a big deal.

Very interesting stuff, and I encourage you to read the whole thing. The problem for me is that my boss isn’t one of these— he’s at least 3 rolled into one:

He’s a con-artist who says whatever he thinks people want to hear and changes his tune constantly.
He’s always insisting that positive attitude is the most important thing, never wants to hear about potential problems, and all the new hires have been yes-men.
And he’s a narcissist of the highest degree. He never shares credit, though he often steals it. And he can only remember the good things he did, not the problems he created on the way.

And he’s not even the worst person I deal with. We have someone else he competes with who is all these things, but who goes the extra mile to be mean—

She’s a bully AND a con-artist, often shouting and belittling people to try to get her way.
She not only steals credit and shifts blame, but she will also withhold key resources to cause a crisis at which point she steps in and criticizes everyone and then makes herself the hero.
She steals credit on things she isn’t even working on— a few months ago she took credit for a project she wasn’t on and that wasn’t even completed yet by sending an email to senior management talking about the struggle and how she got everyone working late to complete it on time. A project she wasn’t involved in and which wasn’t finished. Did I mention that? Am I still mad? Yes and Yes.

"New hire asked “Have I made a horrible mistake taking this job?” It’s his 7th day,..."

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 19:12:24 -0400

“New hire asked “Have I made a horrible mistake taking this job?” It’s his 7th day, a new record. And, yes, he has made a horrible mistake.”

"I went a whole day without seeing PowerPoint. Happiest day of my life!"

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 18:59:02 -0400

“I went a whole day without seeing PowerPoint. Happiest day of my life!”

"Daily status meetings. Great idea, boss!"

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 19:00:40 -0400

“Daily status meetings. Great idea, boss!”

"Please tell me again how my job is “just a bunch of technical mumbo-jumbo”. I loved when..."

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 19:00:57 -0400

“Please tell me again how my job is “just a bunch of technical mumbo-jumbo”. I loved when you told the new hire that!”

"If 5-hour energy drink really worked, I’m pretty sure they’d be giving it away in the..."

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 19:00:37 -0400

“If 5-hour energy drink really worked, I’m pretty sure they’d be giving it away in the office kitchen instead of the crappy coffee.”

"I know you think process is important, but success has a lot more to do with keeping more than one..."

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 19:00:11 -0400

“I know you think process is important, but success has a lot more to do with keeping more than one idiot out of a decision-making role.”

"Before the cock crows three times one of the 12 people in this status meeting will send an..."

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 16:37:45 -0400

“Before the cock crows three times one of the 12 people in this status meeting will send an accusatory email shifting blame to me.”