My fellow Americans,

Whether you may think Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was a bad policy for the military, now that it’s been repealed, I think the policy could have some merit in the workplace, just not concerning sexual preference. There are some things that we just don’t need to hear about, or that are none of your business. Therefore I’d like to implement a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy in the office for the following:

• How that outfit makes Susie over in Accounting look like such a slut.
• How hot Susie over in Accounting looks in that outfit.
• The things you’d like to do to Susie over in Accounting.
• Farmville.
• Foursquare.
• Your grandkids.
• Your son-in-law.
• Your daughter-in-law.
• Something your inconsiderate neighbor did.
• Your unmarried son that you want to fix up with every available girl in the office.
• Whether a married person “wants to have kids” or is trying to.
• How drunk you got Friday night.
• How much dope you smoked this weekend.
• Tattoos I can’t see.
• Tattoos I can see.
• How you “don’t have to work” because your spouse makes so much money.
• All your boyfriend’s annoying habits.
• Anything your boyfriend does.
• How you think you’re better than everyone.
• Anything in excruciating detail.
• Your cat. A hundred times your cat.
• Your other cat.
• Any additional cats.
• How your alma mater did over the weekend.
• Jesus.
• Your racist tirades.
• Your sexist opinions.
• Conspiracy theories.
• About how you’re going to start a blog.
• TV shows I don’t watch.
• The cult you belong to.
• Your nanny.
• How you just can’t get good help any more.
• How you just won’t shop at Bergdorf Goodman’s any more “because all the clerks are stuck up”.
• All the stupid mistakes you made in your personal life.
• Something you saw on Fox News.
• Anything you saw on MTV, E!, or Dateline.
• Anything that starts with “well, in my day…”
• The vitamins you take.
• Your colonoscopy.
• Foods that make you “regular”.
• How everything is someone else’s fault.
• How it’s so awful that smokers are forced to go outside.
• How you saved $3.49 using coupons!
• How “only pussies” drive that car.

So here’s the deal: I won’t ask you, and please, please, please stop telling me.

Thank you. And God bless America.

—MeetingBoy

If you agree, please show your support by retweeting, reblogging, and/or printing out and posting in the breakroom next to the OSHA and minimum wage notifications.

If you have any items to add, please put it in the comments.