Friday afternoon time-wasting video.

breaking-the-news:

Breaking the News - September 24, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show dabble in witchcraft, while walking for the small sum of not $20,000. Soon they will be kicked off the cheerleading squad for reporting secret details about Mark Zuckerberg.

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are a few headlines from this week…sort of

In our top story, across the pond, British scientists have declared that London is due for a “killer earthquake.” While this warning comes during the same week the city is being visited by the Pope, the Vatican denies there is a connection. In an official proclamation, the Holy See confirmed that, “London is due for an earthquake because of the pact it made with the Devil to send Simon Cowell to America.”

Here in the U.S., because of recent negative press about Facebook’s privacy standards, CNN did some digging this week and reported these six surprising facts about Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg:

1) Favorite book: PRIVATE
2) Favorite food: PRIVATE
3) High school: PRIVATE
4) Birthday: PRIVATE
5) Siblings: PRIVATE
6) Level of desire to own everyone’s personal data and use it for financial gain: PRIVATE

According to CNN, 37,593 people like this. However, Zuckerberg’s comments on this report have been protected.
This week Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell admitted she had dabbled in witchcraft in high school. We wanted to find out if this is a big deal with voters, so we went to the streets to hear what people thought.
@beasy2487: Yeah, Christine O’Donnell did witchcraft, but she only dabbled. I mean, it’s kind of like giving the Devil a blowjob. She’s still a virgin.
@heathermitch: Alright, so you’re telling me that she dabbled in witchcraft in high school. I’m just shocked. I mean, she went to high school??
@thejohnblog: I really can’t make an informed decision until you bring me a duck and we get Christine O’Donnell on that scale.
@kickassjen: Sure, Christine O’Donnell dabbled in witchcraft, but she didn’t swallow.
@joeschmitt: Dabbling in witchcraft is no big deal. It’s like when anti-gay preachers dabble in sex with male prostitutes. It’s all cool.
@cloudya: (silent)
@NortonSports: It’s true Christine O’Donnell practiced witchcraft, but she didn’t float.
@greeblemonkey: It’s no big deal. It’s like everything else. It took work and practice, so then she lost interest.
@Miss_Cook: Who hasn’t dabbled in witchcraft? I mean, I do it 2 or 3 times a day sometimes. Wait…“dabbling in witchcraft” is just another euphemism for masturbation. Right? Right??
@jinxybee: NON MASTURBATING WITCHERY 4LIFE! Woo-hoo!

A woman who suffered severe acid burns and gained worldwide sympathy by claiming she’d been brutally attacked has admitted that she inflicted the wounds upon herself. In a press conference, she claimed that her actions were uncontrollable after accidentally watching an entire episode of “The Hills.”

In entertainment news, a recent report reveals that Jersey Shore’s Snookie rakes in a staggering $20,000 to walk a red carpet event. The reality star’s reps also stated that for an additional $10,000 it’ll just be the cost that is staggering and not the celebrity.

A six-year-old Michigan girl was recently thrown off her cheerleading squad after her mother objected to one of the squad’s “booty” cheers. The squad’s coach, however, didn’t see any issue with the suggestive cheer, saying in an interview, “We’re simply trying to prepare our children for their future careers as overpaid reality show stars.”

And finally, a couple was recently kicked out of a hotel by the hotel’s manager after posting a negative review of the place during their stay. In a statement, the manager claimed he had no choice but to kick them out and refuse to refund their stay, saying, “Hey, we have a legendary negative rating to uphold here.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dabbled in witchcraft.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.