breaking-the-news:

Breaking the News - September 17, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show put on their meat dresses and broke the news again. This week JLo tries to have her way with American Idol, George Michael goes in search of a date and some students have to interface I-R-L. It’s so intense. Also, The Donald plans to erect something.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Transcript

Happy Friday. You know the deal.

In our top story this week, Burger King announced that its new Brazilian CEO will be giving the fast food chain a complete makeover. A representative of the company said in a press conference, “What this really means for the customer is no more hair in the food.”

Also in business news, in an attempt to keep children safe online, Google’s new Google Instant search engine will block searches for words deemed to be “dirty.” Insiders say this has caused outrage among city leaders in Penis, Rhode Island and Vagina (Va HEE nuh), Venezuela.

A report released late last week revealed that 25% of translators working alongside American troops in Afghanistan failed language proficiency exams. The report also indicated that another 37% didn’t even know where Afghanistan was, but thought they could see it from Sarah Palin’s house.

In international news, the Eiffel Tower was evacuated as Paris fell victim to a bomb threat on Tuesday. Lindsey Lohan’s publicist breathed a sigh of relief, stating, “I’m just glad it was Paris getting bombed for a change.”

In other international news, a Russian official has been fired after making young boys kiss his feet following a grueling workout. A source inside the Kremlin says the man fled the country before he could be further reprimanded and is now a high school football coach in Texas.

A new study has found that overweight men last longer in bed. The Turkish researchers who led the study can’t explain the phenomenon, but theorize that being heavier just makes it more difficult for them to get out of bed.

In a bold move to defuse the current situation, Donald Trump has offered to purchase the property near Ground Zero where a controversial Muslim community center is set to be built. A source close to The Donald says he will of course, “erect something understated and tasteful. As usual.”

In entertainment news, outrageous fashion-forward popster Lady GaGa attended the MTV Video Music Awards in a dress made of some kind of meat in support of vegetarianism. A source close to the star says she was forced to wear the dress by her mother who said, “You better wear your meat dress, young lady because there are poor children in Africa who have no clothes at all.” GaGa’s only public statement was, “Eat me.”

In other celebrity news, on Tuesday, George Michael’s publicist announced that he will be going to jail for 8 weeks, saying in a press release, “He has decided that it’s time to start dating again. Somewhere where anal sex isn’t frowned upon.”

Also in Hollywood, Fox announced that J Lo will be the new judge on American Idol. Inside sources say the deal almost fell through, but Ms. Lopez finally accepted the job even though the network couldn’t meet all of her demands. Breaking the News obtained JLo’s official list of demands, which included, among other things, being allowed to spit whenever Ben Affleck’s name was mentioned, a chair made of live Peruvian cabana boys and water made from the tears of her assistants.

In a related story, the show’s producers have announced that at least one episode of “bad” auditions will be comprised entirely of scenes from Gigli.

And finally, students at Harrisburg University in Pennsylvania have been banned from using online social media for a week. According to sources at the school, students are unsure how they will socialize if all they can do is sit around and talk to each other.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken, you know I’m going to tweet it.

Breaking the News - September 17, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.