March 2011
69 posts
“THE BRONX ZOO SNAKE HAS BEEN FOUND. Which is great news, because I’ve...”
What's a corporate way of saying "go fuck...
@carlyb001: I need a corporate way of saying "go fuck yourself" any ideas??
@MeetingBoy: Tell them "interesting idea, but there's no money for it this fiscal year."
@carlyb001: How about "interesting idea, but we are going in another direction?"
@MeetingBoy: No, that leaves room for them to keep arguing. Agreement shuts them down, at which point you bury it until next year, at which point it's forgotten.
“If you’re having a bad day, remember that naps always help. It also helps...”
“Returned to find a 20-minute, 32-email exchange on a bad link only to point out...”
– @juicymorsel
“Look, windbag, if your email requires me to scroll to read all of it, how about...”
Sorry, boss, I have to leave. There's a COBRA... →
If you need me, I’ll be fleeing the city.
Conference Call or Meeting? Which sucks more →
Rule #1: A pointless meeting handled via conference call is still a waste of time. It’s just a waste of less time. During the corporate vs. independent debates, consultants said they hated going in for pointless meetings because they didn’t like unbillable travel time. A meeting people have to go to that wastes their time will waste less time on a call, but let’s just stop wasting each...
“Maybe having 50 people try to make every decision isn’t the most efficient...”
“I’m declaring Earth Hour all weekend long. Oh, sure, I’ll still...”
“Look, I know half the people are missing, but I’m not the idiot who...”
“Stepping out of your meeting to take a call and talking loudly outside my office...”
– @carlyQblue
“Someone should tell this guy that “traumatically” is not the...”
“Elizabeth Taylor died, which means all the old people at the office will have...”
“How does a guy get to be a 50-year-old executive and still can’t stop from...”
“Team meeting in the war room in 15 minutes.” I hope Accounts Payable can...”
– @hisnamesLen
1 tag
Who doesn't like mocking other people in the... →
Mocking homeless people seems cruel. Mocking people who shop at Walmart (People of Walmart) seems snobbish. But mocking people who can afford plane tickets, especially business travelers, is the Lord’s work. My boss is one of those people. Every self-important, lying big shot is one of those people. Which is why I think FreakJet is kind of cool.
Basically you see some crazy person at the...
“Are you paid according to how many times you can say ‘go ahead’ per...”
@Sassy_Love_Dove: 6:50 SA time, already in the office. I wonder if I should send the boss an email to score browny points for been early today :)
@MeetingBoy: You could do that to score points, but I warn you he will start to expect you at 6:50 all the time!
Whine all you want about lost productivity due to March Madness, but only if you’re willing to shut up about the latest number on Glee or undeserved elimination on American Idol.
3:00 status meeting? No, can’t make it. I’ve got another meeting at the same time. It’s this secret project code-named “Brackets”.
“Usually guys fake Alpha Male behavior to get laid. Not you. You’re trying...”
One of the big shots asked “where’s the beef?” in a meeting, expecting big laughs. Nothing. Maybe he’ll do better with a Laugh-In gag later.
“No, HR, “going green” means using less paper, not issuing status...”
“Hello, boss…
Yeah, I’m feeling sick today…
What do I have?...”
– Happening now in an office near you
“People complain my boss can never be nailed down. Not true! He’s very...”
Why are the happiest people in our office those who are leaving?
4 tags
3 tags
reverse stalking
I always check #4square before lunch so I can avoid all my annoying, oversharing coworkers. It’s a thing I like to call reverse stalking.
“There’s no heat in my office today. Contemplating setting my boss on fire...”
– @Melysa_S
“My boss thinks my coworker gave 2 weeks notice, rather than quit right now, so...”
“Yes, boss, a forced apology is better than nothing. But it’s not that much...”
“First accusatory email came at 9:02 this morning. A new record!”
“Any bozo can use regular words to explain themselves— it takes a real...”
“Self-serving lies from people with offices trump facts from people in cubes...”
“You’re right, boss, I am moving slowly in recruiting the person who will...”
“He’s not as full of shit as he appeared when he was hired.”
– Ringingest endorsement of 2011
“My office manager removed my name off of my birthday cake when I gave my notice....”
– @johnkurc
“I’ll just concede that you are the coolest person in the world, so you can...”
1 tag
Work for a company and turn out like MeetingBoy.... →
The recap of the MeetingBoy debates on who is lazier— the independent, work for yourself or corporate stooges:
All three scored a lot of points in three areas that I can’t possibly best them in:
1. Less meetings. Because they are billing people by the hour, they find that their clients are more productive in meetings and that there are fewer of them. I remain skeptical on this point, ...
“No, we don’t have a turnover problem here. We just love eating...”
1 tag
“I gave up expecting people to meet the merest minimum of competence a long...”
– Read his full rant: “Things would be easier if I just did all the work myself.”
“Sure, I don’t mind canceling my lunch with a friend to sit in on a...”
“If I ever become the Mayor of my office on Foursquare, someone please kill me.”
2 tags
“There’s only room for one peacock in every meeting. And my boss feels it...”
I support you 100%*.
*unless I sense it’s expedient not to, in which case I’ll tell the CEO how I tried to talk you out of it but you wouldn’t listen.