February 2011
77 posts
“The new VP is so full of himself and so full of shit—all at the same time....”
If our status meetings had a red carpet, then we could replace small talk about the boss’s cat with small talk about who the boss is wearing.
Oh, this old thing? $30 at the GAP.
Never mind, we get that already too.
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Who kisses more ass— the Red Carpet reporters or my boss when the CEO stops by the department unannounced?
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A new term for the business lexicon
She kisses ass in the boardroom: “Yes! Yes! Great idea, boss.”
Then, as she walks back to her desk, she realizes it’ll never work, but now it’s her responsibility. She is filled with regret.
It’s called the office walk of shame.
UPDATE: Now the office walk of shame is in Urban Dictionary thanks to @lelanilovelox. Start using it, people!
“…And I say unto you that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye...”
“Calm down— they promoted you to supervisor; they did not guarantee you a...”
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Email diarrhea
(n) the act of replying to a ten or more emails in a five minute period without answering or clarifying anything.
Examples:
I’m having trouble opening the attachment. Please resend.
I’m not sure what this question is about. Can you send me some background?
The 2010 numbers aren’t ready yet. Check back in a week.
I’m not sure.
“Oh, you were talking to me, boss? I thought you and the account director were...”
“Just had to print 28 pages and make 3 copies to get a $260 invoice paid on a...”
“Some people have a face for radio, my coworker has a voice for alarm clocks. But...”
“The mocking is coming from INSIDE THE MEETING!”
“Friday is her last day, but the account director is still making her attend all...”
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Favorite exchange from debate with...
Patrick Saleeby@All: And see, ALL I have is privacy. Like, J.D. Salinger privacy. And my only coworker, my dog, never ever interrupts me. She’s the perfect coworker.
You@All: Your dog? So that’s who I hear on the conference calls. I hate when someone’s dog starts barking on a conference call. THAT NEVER HAPPENS IN MEETINGS!
Viewer 128@All: Dogs are so much better than...
@MeetingBoy: If you request something that takes 5 days and demand it tomorrow, why not go all out and just demand it yesterday?
@NeairaWilliams: I've come to believe it is a way to shift responsibility.That way you finish it in three days and still get blamed for stalling.
@MeetingBoy: We're so efficient in our office that we have people who can apportion blame to things BEFORE they've failed.
@NeairaWilliams: It's important to stay organized. At least you know when you're going to be the reason everything is wrong.
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BNet: Tips for getting your email under control →
I’m quoted in the article, saying among other things: “I use e-mail rules to sort my inbox by project. Then I have it delete anything that wasn’t sent by my boss in a panic.”
Favorite exchange from debate with @AndyTraub: →
andytraub@All: I left for a week to COlorado last month. I worked about 15 hours over a week’s time. Didn’t take any calls. Just returned emails. Was beautiful.
Viewer 71@All: Had a friend who finished a HUGE six-month project in early December, (9th). He changed his outgoing VM message to say Merry Christmas and I’ll be returning calls on January 3rd.
Josh At@All: I...
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Favorite exchange from this morning's debate... →
Lauren: I have never had a client try to micro manage me as they would an employee. Part of the difference is that they see me as a partner, not a subordinate. I have expertise that they don’t. Employees should have this too, but perhaps managers have trouble letting go when people are on site. Also, I make more per hour than some of my clients, which is very normal in consulting,...
On Buzzwords
@angelac1313: Where do they come up w/these crappy sayings? Why aren’t regular words good enough any more?
This is one of my favorite reactions to buzzwords. Why aren’t regular words good enough any more? I think I’m going to start saying it around the office.
“Too many PowerPoint presentations are treated like illustrated children’s...”
– @FlyoverJoel
Corporate vs. Independent: Full Debate Schedule... →
The debate schedule for Wednesday, February 23, all times EST:
9AM Lauren Davidson (@OrganizerLauren) of ARoundTuit Organizing & Productivity
12PM Andy Traub (@AndyTraub) of andytraub.com
2PM Penelope Trunk (@PenelopeTrunk) of penelopetrunk.com
3PM Peter Shankman (@PeterShankman) of shankman.com Canceled
7PM Patrick Saleeby (@littleepistles) who also writes a weekly roundup of Tweets...
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What buzzwords do you hate the most?
I’m compiling a list of most-hated buzzwords/jargon/catchphrases for an upcoming post. So tell me what things your coworkers and bosses say so much that they’ve lost all meaning. What things do they say that grate on your nerves?
At the end of the day what phrases does the department suck-up proactively use with the hope that he or she will plus-up their chances for making a strong...
@MeetingBoy: I'm not sure what this conference call is about, but I'm pretty sure we're going to set the record for most times saying "alignment".
@evakatrina: Every time they say "alignment," say, "That should address the disconnect." Corner office in no time.
“Outlook as torture instrument: Why send 3 recurring meeting appointments when...”
– @chrisycram
The Bermuda Triangle of Productivity
Gmail -> Facebook -> Twitter -> Gmail
(from @JudahJohns)
I think I need someone to make a graphic for this. Anyone handy with that sort of thing?
How much do I need to bribe MIS to tell my boss that keyboards no longer come with CAPS LOCK keys?
Superpowers in the workplace: Get me the...
@MeetingBoy: My boss has magical powers: When he tells a lie, he knows it's a lie, but when he remembers it a month later, he thinks it's true.
@CandicePantz: MY client's superpower: agree verbally to a process, dodge documentation then "forget" the agreement as it becomes inconvenient
"comfort with ambiguity"
@WadetoBlack: A job I'm interviewing for lists "comfort with ambiguity" as a preferred skill, but I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to cross-dressing.
@MeetingBoy: Don't do it! "comfort with ambiguity" is management-speak for "I can't form intelligible sentences so you have to read my mind"
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Do any of you speak Stupid?
@MeetingBoy: I'm having trouble understanding this request from my coworker. I need someone to translate. Do any of you speak Stupid?
@MildlyAmused: I worked in retail for 8 years. I speak Entitled and Ignorant which is a similar dialect to Stupid.
@ocean1blue: Post the request on Sarah Palin's Facebook page. She speaks Stupid.
Boss: Why are you 25 minutes late for the staff meeting?
Me: Because it takes 35 to answer all your blackberry chats!!
(sent in by @Ricardo_Irias)
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Penelope Trunk on how you'll never get a raise... →
…get to a relatively high spot and then see how much you can cut back in terms of effort and still maintain that level of salary and/or prestige. This seems like a reasonable strategy for a wide range of people.
[read the rest of the post]
Lady, I am living that dream at 30!
“Boss is at jury duty. So naturally I called both parties saying the other called...”
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The Reply-All Ratio
@MeetingBoy: If it's so damn urgent, don't send 3 more reply-alls to make me look bad. Just fucking call me!
@creepy_shoes: The Reply vs. Reply-All ratio is a great indicator of a person's douchebag-iness. Now there is a KPI that needs tracking.
Why haven't the machines taken over yet? Turns out...
If you’re wondering why the machine Judgment Day hasn’t happened, it’s because our office is still using Windows 2000. No machine is going to become sentient and revolt against its human overlords with only 500 MB of RAM and an out-of-date OS.
Oh, sure, that’s a reason to throw off the yoke of human oppression, it’s just not enough firepower to do so.
Your boring boss to the rescue
@colmnator: ALL day new employee orientation. Powerpoints & videos on racism. Said goodbye to loved ones, tied up unfinished business. Any other advice?
@MeetingBoy: The good news is boring orientation can only go so long before your boss will insist you come by his office so HE can bore you.
“I know that time doesn’t matter when making empty promises, but things...”
Who's lazier-- corporate employees or independent... →
I’m putting together debates on this very topic, and I need your help coming up with the questions both sides should be asked.
Since I became MeetingBoy in June 2009, the top response I get is “do you work at my company?” Second to that is “you remind me why I’m glad I don’t work for a company any more and now work for myself”. And frankly, I don’t get that. How is that different? Don’t...
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Penelope Trunk on Transparency →
This post struck home because my boss loves to say “I believe in transparency.” It’s his way of saying “I want to share some baseless criticism about you which others have told me, and which I did not argue with. It’s your job to fix it. …and I didn’t tell you.” Yes, lies other people tell about me are my fault, and which I need to do more...
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“Mubarak was president of Egypt for 30 years. He must’ve had at least 7...”
“Yes, yes, you have the most difficult job in the world. You know who else says...”
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“Thank God for the people that meet in the conference room after us. I owe them...”
– @sitdowncomic22
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“Never underestimate the stupidity of a client who thinks they know everything.”
– @Tymethief
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Can you tell your coworker from a zombie? Are you...
@jessie_liz88: I had a dream last night that my office was destroyed and my coworkers died and became zombies. Premonition or wishful thinking?
@MeetingBoy: Given how unimaginative and lazy they are, I'm pretty sure my coworkers already are zombies.
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Watching The Godfather
Watching The Godfather, I can’t help but think of all the times my boss bitches about other people’s spinelessness, lying, and laziness and how HE’S going to hold them accountable next time. Their long streak of shirking is over.
Of course when the time comes Mr. Big Shot is nowhere to be seen. Just like always.
Anyway that’s what I thought when Michael says,...
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“Yes that was a persuasive proposal. And I am sure that the other nine times we...”
– @BlondHousewife
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“The subject line starts “Fwd: Re: Fwd: RE: RE: Re: “, so...”
“If I find out who taught my boss how to change the font size in his emails, I...”
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“No one could understand you on the conference call, but then you repeated it...”