October 2011
78 posts
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“No, I didn’t call your Amy Winehouse costume lame; I said it isn’t...”
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“Just because you dressed as Charlie Sheen doesn’t mean it’s somehow...”
“Since the 2PM status is in full costume, I invited several bums and skipped out...”
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“Boss dressed as a vampire, so I stabbed him through the heart with a stake. I...”
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“Sorry, you got coffee all over, Darth Vader, but maybe next time notice where...”
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Halloween roundup
Here’s all my posts about Halloween, and the ones posted by friends as well:
Get your Halloween out of my face! My full rant on why costumes in the office are always a horrible disaster.
@anjeanettec, My Halloween Rant: Slutty Edition
The Your Stupid Advice team answers my 3 questions:
How do I convince my boss that it is not a good idea to interview people on costume day? Answer by...
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“I’ve asked you to repeat yourself 5 times on this conference call, but...”
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“Where does Herman Cain stand on building an electrified fence around my cubical...”
Now THIS is how you use PowerPoint: (from...
The End of the World Seems To Be Happening a Lot More Often Than It Used To View more presentations from FlyoverJoel
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Tired of the Sluttification of Halloween? →
Submitted as proof that I’m not the only one tired of the sluttification of Halloween— Anjeanette doesn’t even want it after hours.
anjeanettecarter:
My Halloween Rant: Slutty Edition
Growing up, picking a Halloween costume rocked. I loved pretending I was other people like Cleopatra, Jem, or Alice in Wonderland (see above). This would later prepare me for my acting career...
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How do I convince my boss that it is not a good... →
Last year we were desperately trying to hire a someone, and no one thought that calling them into interview on the costume day was a problem. Two of the people interviewing were in full, ridiculous costume. The person never returned our calls after. When I pointed this out, I was told the costumes let them know “what a fun office we are”, which is problematic because:
We were going to expect...
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“Beavis and Butthead is back on the air? Pass. It was funny when I was a teen,...”
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“Oh, God! Someone has an acoustic guitar in the office. I smell a motivational...”
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Get your Halloween out of my face!
I know some people love Halloween, but can we keep it out of the office? This is not to say that you can’t go out and have all the drunken, slutty, costumed fun you want with your friends after hours— I just don’t want to deal with it at work. Remember, we’re not friends— I’m just barely tolerating you for 8-9 hours a day, and if I win the lottery, I’ll be flipping you off on my way...
“Great! Another morning of answering questions for people who didn’t read...”
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How do I get my co-workers to wear appropriate... →
Every year there’s an office Halloween party, and of course there’s inappropriate costumes. Susie from accounting always has something that elicits:
Did you see what that slut is wearing?! from a few coworkers.
A litany of sexual acts that they would like to perform with Susie from accounting, and of course which they are sure she is up for. From the boss and a few other...
“My colleague majored in Communications at Florida A&M. Actually it was a...”
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“Can you try to upload the files twice more?”
– he says, before actually bothering to check if his site is working. Really, he wants us to try again, even though we told him it’s not working, and then try one more time after that before he will bother to try himself. Sure, sure, let us debug his site for him.
Behold the laziness!
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“I appreciate your offers to backseat drive, nag and nitpick, but I’m...”
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“I thought Excel was overkill for the status report, but the boss thinks we...”
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How can I avoid having my job performance judged... →
There’s always an enthusiasm and creativity gap at the office Halloween party. Some people go way over the top, and others phone it in. Two years ago one of the managers criticized people who didn’t put much effort into costumes. Really. Where in our job descriptions does it say we have to have good costumes? “Oh, I see here that you have an engineering degree from MIT, but what was your costume...
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“Why does nothing get done around here, boss? Maybe because you spend all your...”
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“Bad move, rookie. Never, ever ask someone how their weekend was if you’re...”
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“I think this VP thinks the client will sign a $300,000 contract because we gave...”
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“Look, we’re all bored and hungry, but this conference call will never end...”
“Once upon a time I did things. Now I spend most days trying to keep stupid,...”
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“The road to hell is paved with overpromising.”
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Ever since my boss got his iPhone 4S, he walks around the office dictating to Siri. Just once, I’d like her to say “SHUT UP, ASSHOLE!”
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“Going to kill my boss today, then leave just his clothes in his office so it...”
– Oh, who am I kidding, he’s not going to Heaven.
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“What if 10,000 years from now all that’s left is PowerPoint presentations?...”
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“Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you’re...”
“I left you a voicemail and now you’re calling me to find out what I said...”
– @justirish
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“If they really wanted to punish Lindsay Lohan for violating parole, they’d...”
–
After I posted this, @Angela_Barbini added: ”and make her take all the meeting minutes.”
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“My coworker was nearly trampled to death when the CEO said he wasn’t...”
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“You’d think the stigma of still being on AOL would get my coworker to mute...”
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Zombie boss: "Think outside the brain"
If my boss were a zombie, he’d be telling the other zombies to “think outside the brain” and brag that our company “has a robust plan to flawlessly execute the acquisition of brains”.
Of course these statements would be no less a lie than the things he says now.
And he’d be no more annoying and tedious than now. Perhaps even a little less annoying, since you...
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“Sorry that report is late. I’ve been busy working on a scary version of my...”
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“Is it Boss’s Day already? It’s hard to keep track; there’s...”
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“Today is Bosses Day. In lieu of a present, I have postponed plotting his death...”
– Last year’s tweet for Bosses Day
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“Coworker declined to have the department take her out for drinks on her last...”
So glad we worked until 9PM on Friday to completely redo a report the boss now admits “the client will never read”.
“The CFO hired a consultant who did a 3-month study which found everything is...”
“The automated voice on this conference call was so soothing half of us were...”
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What should be the penalty for changing the basis...
I’m thinking death, but poetic justice dictates I come up with something more appropriate. Like maybe giving them a poison that will kill them in two hours and then making them stay and work with us until we’re done so they can’t go get the antidote.
And keep in mind that they’ve had a month to bring up their concerns about methodology and data sources. A month. But at...
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“Sure, I’d love to make two more days of pointless formatting tweaks and...”
– This is what my boss would consider a “positive attitude”. He doesn’t care that people from other departments are constantly putting us in no-win situations like this. He just expects us to remain positive and “do whatever it takes to make them happy”. Getting him to...
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Americans are divided by religion, race and politics, but I think we can all find common ground and agree that voicemail is a waste of time.
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Tricking the boss to be out of the office backfired: Over lunch I got a 14-minute voicemail from the line outside the Apple Store.
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“The boss wanted a new iPhone, so I convinced him the line wouldn’t be long...”
“Don’t tell me you have to check your calendar when you get back to the...”