August 2010
65 posts
My boss and the new VP are engaged in an arms race of jargon. Or maybe it’s the mating ritual of the Corporate Peacock.
Reports that $22 billion in productivity is lost to social media pretend that no one ever goofed off at work before 2005.
Sorry, boss, can you repeat that? I was just daydreaming about quitting my job again. Happens all the time. ALL the time.
RT @AngelaHelga: Staff meeting autopilot: Shake hands good to see you squint at pie charts nod head fake chuckle at CEO joke suppress ya …
RT @ashamedtosay: Whose arm do I have to chew through to get out of this webinar?
She did it! She found the Holy Grail of management— an assumption that only makes an ass out of YOU.
Jumping to conclusions is like premature ejaculation—only satisfying to the guy doing it, and eventually he stops getting chances to do it.
RT @dresspants: I know, I know, PowerPoint jokes are:
• low-hanging fruit
• not funny
• been done to death before - by jerks like me
RT @juicymorsel: Always keep your pencils sharpened to ensure they all are not too dull to pierce your temple during a hastily called me …
RT @TerminalSingles: I need a door on my cubicle so I can dramatically slam it at will.
The real reason you aren't getting a raise →
Want a raise? Well, Women’s Day and Summer’s Eve have some advice. #1 on their list— wash your vagina.
Is that why I haven’t had a raise in 2 years? They told me it was because of the economy.
1 tag
inmi (aka @SarahInMI):
Anytime someone emails me to find out how to get a job at my company, I always want to email back: “You DON’T want to work here. Trust me.”
But I don’t.
But seriously? They really don’t want to work here.
Right, right. Because every other company is just a bunch of happy teammates who would never
lie to get ahead
lie to avoid blame
waste...
1 tag
“I am NOT rooting for the project to fail.
I merely said that if it did fail,...”
Look, I’m sure Cincinnati is a great city, but the things that happen in their conference rooms are just as pointless as in New York.
It should’ve been called What Color Is Your Status Report.
Brett Favre just canceled my 4:00 status call. Wait, no, he’s rescheduled… (full story at http://youtube.com/watch?v=iFRnO53lgRw )
OK, so I misspelled Cincinnati.
Apologies, Cincinatti, but how can I love your city if I’m only there for a 5 hour meeting, lunch is brought in, then back to the airport?
RT @klavaute: Coming back from a week-long vacation and clicking on “Mark All As Read” feels liberating.
RT @thefemmenoir: I needed documented proof that my Business Communications class was an exercise in futility so I brought in my @Meetin …
A same-day business trip to Cincinatti. To Cincinatti! Oh, the glamour of business travel!
Why do so many new managers regard their position as giving them a license to treat people like shit? We’re not their slaves!
Forget Ambien! If I can make an MP3 of this lecture from the account director, insomnia will be cured. I’ll be rich!
RT @MitchMartin: A passive-aggresive email will guilt me into action. However that action will be leaving it at the top of my Inbox so I …
Thanks, boss, but since I think so little of how you run the department, I think I’ll pass on advice on my personal life.
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I fear they can hear me rolling my eyes on this conference call.
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Company reorganization announced. Huzzah! Once all these chairs are rearranged, the Titanic can’t possibly sink!
I know it’s a “done deal”, but I’d like WRITTEN approval before I start writing 6-figure checks to vendors. But that’s just me.
RT @texaslippy: The first two hours of our meeting have been rough. I reckon the third hour will really turn this all around. @meetingboy
My boss mentioned how funny Office Space is. Next he’ll follow @MeetingBoy. He’s so vain he probably thinks these tweets aren’t about him!
RT @kerissmithJA: Since you’re just talking to hear yourself speak, is it OK if a few of us leave now? cc: @MeetingBoy
Apparently “do whatever it takes” doesn’t include poisoning the difficult account director. Maybe there will be fewer meetings in prison.
Sorry, I don’t speak Buzzword.
The boss sent an email at 11:30 “reminding” everyone that he’s working from home today. He sent it from his Blackberry.
The Revolution will not be PowerPointed.
While I applaud the move of booking a conference room with a couch to take a nap, bringing a blanket and pillow may be going too far.
When do I call my boss to remind him the CEO is coming to the department meeting today? 15 minutes before? 15 minutes AFTER?
RT @panicatack: watching #hardknocks on HBO, glad to see even #NFL players have to sit thru Powerpoint hell. @MeetingBoy
America runs on Dunkin; marketing runs on Jargon.
Conference call with marketing team: 7 hours.
Conference call with project managers: 10 minutes.
Draw your own conclusions.
Isn’t that the question we’re all asking at our jobs today— where’s my emergency slide?
Word of warning to all meeting holders: you can lead a horse to meeting, but you can’t make him listen.
7 hour conference call, though my lawyer says I’ll be paroled in 6 with good behavior.
They had a fire drill at work at 9:00 this morning. Everyone was stuck in the lobby for 15 minutes. That’ll teach me to show up on time.
I’m an optimist; I see the conference call as half over.
I love the smell of donuts in the morning. Smells like…victory.
RT @justirish: You can’t talk your way out of something you behaved yourself into!
So there.