June 2010
57 posts
RT @arjunbasu: The meeting dragged on and on. He was drifting away. The client was important but long winded. He studies his nails and d …
1 tag
The person who invents a speakerphone that only works when the door is closed will be my god.
If you’re going to complain about my lateness, shouldn’t you
a) be on time yourself?
b) arrive before me?
c) go fuck yourself?
Just an FYI, there are other minutes besides the last minute.
In honor of the World Cup and all its ties, our meeting ended with no decisions made— everyone is right! No one loses!
Hey, everybody! Just met with my boss and things disproved months ago are now totally my fault. I’ve entered a parallel universe! Call NASA.
RT @Joi_the_Artist: My coworkers just turned the project approval meeting into a brainstorming session. A week before the final is due.
When everyone panics because I take one day off, I don’t feel important. I feel like maybe it would be nice to get a raise.
RT @winkles98: Half the people in this meeting are PMP certified. Apparently celebrating with a round of buzzword bingo.
New line on my job description: “maintain high morale”. Told HR I could do it, but not if my boss keeps trying to motivate me.
. @MelissaxV My problems in the office are not with the food; my problems are with the humans who work there.
Great move, boss! Everyone LOVES being patronized.
I know you think you have good ideas, and you do, but first lesson, rookie, is no one calls a meeting to hear someone else talk.
Another project goes down to the Death By A Thousand Tweaks.
Oh, boo hoo! “Acting is not as fun as it seems.” Well, Amanda Bynes, you know what else isn’t as fun as it seems? Everything.
Just read work email from the toilet. This is not why I bought an iPhone.
Of all the bad ideas
in all the meetings
you had to speak up in mine.
RT @summersumz: Sometimes you look up at your @MeetingBoy calendar and think, OMG, that is sooo applicable to today. And then you weep.
I’m constipated AND WordsWithFriends is down. I just can’t win on Monday, can I? Also work, email, office, yadda yadda yadda…
Please stop saying “touching base”. That’s what got the Catholic Church in trouble.
Follow my coworker @AshamedToSay, who contibuted to this morning’s tweet. #FF
RT @lucyspet: Me: “I’m not going to do shit today.”
Co-Worker: “How is that different from any other day?”
Me: “Today I am letting you k …
Just got an email “Group Touchbase - 2:00”. I checked with the sender and, yes, that is a euphemism for group masturbation.
Apparently I need to brush up on my Chinese before...
faux-illusion:
Thoughts (or whatever) dump #7
[excerpt]
2. I was browsing “Browse Suggestions” on Twitter yesterday. It led me to @MeetingBoy, which, in turn, led me to this: “In Chinese the character for crisis is the same character for opportunity. And the character for meeting is also the same for masturbation.” Really. I’ve heard of the “crisis = danger + opportunity” (it doesn’t...
Batting your eyes and tilting your head won’t work on me, lady. My laziness means I’m just not going to do your job for you.
We recommend the project be broken into phases, allowing them to spread out the costs and their disappointment over 6 months.
Thank you for taking the conference call from the busiest deli in town.
Yes, a web site can do all those things you asked.
In fact many web sites do many of them. The problem is that the site you bought is a Geo Metro with 135,000 miles, because that’s all you had money for, so it takes a lot of nerve for you to blame the developers now because you can’t get heated seats or drive 150mph.
How did people ever come up with marketing ideas before there were iPads to give away?
On the subway playing another fascinating round of Who Does The
Hobo Think He’s Addressing?
A. The girl across from him.
B. The guy next to him.
C. The entire car.
I always go with C.
World Cup or status? “Yes, boss, I’m a HUGE soccer fan. The high scores, the player fights, the polite crowds—my favorite!”
Brainstorm? With this team it’s more of a brain drizzle.
I’m such an awful, difficult person to work with. How dare I hold you to your word and your signature on timing and budget!
In Chinese the character for crisis is the same character for opportunity. And the character for meeting is also the same for masturbation.
I have 8 hours of meetings scheduled between 12 and 5. That’s like 10lbs. of shit in a 5lb. bag.
“I want to go back and star the tweets I missed while Twitter was down, but I...”
– @Greeblemonkey
And if you don’t know why people star tweets, check out Favstar ( http://favstar.fm ). It’s where all the funny people on Twitter hang out.
2 tags
My Boss's Answer To The Fail Whale
Twitter is having a lot of trouble keeping up today. I think it needs one of my boss’s “motivational talks” about “flawless execution” and “doing whatever it takes” and how that will solve the problem “better than hiring more people ever would”. If given often enough, this speech solves all performance/resource problems, which he can prove by...
“That’s 4 people; I only know how to do a 3-way. We need a call-in number.”
– That’s what she said.
Making up new words for business jargon embiggens us all.
I know you wanted my feedback on your proposal, sir. It’s just that I’ve been delayed coming up with a nice word for ‘asinine’.
When will you have it?
We need your write up.
This is a top priority.
Do you have it yet?
When?
We can’t wait! Send what you have.
What’s the hold up?
Sent. Finally.
Two days later and they still haven’t read it yet.
You can send a horse an email, but you can’t make him think.
Another “onboarding” meeting at the client’s office. “onBOREDing” would be more accurate.
She was smiling on Monday morning, so naturally I called HR because I suspected she was high. She wasn’t, but it was the right thing to do.
Working late on Friday AND someone’s in my favorite stall in the bathroom. It’s just too much to take!
Sure, you’d make a fine manager, but he got the job because of his credentials— an MBA in Arrogance from Wharton.
Hey, everybody! My boss is running a special on poorly thought out, unworkable ideas today. The discount code is YESSIR.
It’s what they really mean: RT @gblakeman: “hi, how can i make this problem worse with my good intentions?”
Calling him a ‘resource’ changes nothing. He’s still a putz.