May 2010
51 posts
Thunderstorms on Memorial Day? Seems like we should get an extra day.
Everyone can knock off at noon today to get a head start on the holiday weekend. Tell your boss @MeetingBoy said so. Pass it on.
YES! RT @ktdubs: I can’t be responsible for your experience of my work.
Make love not meetings.
I’ve had it with these motherfucking meetings in these motherfucking conference rooms.
Next time, just to try something new, maybe spend a little of your budget before the final month of the fiscal year.
We’ve got all 7 Dwarves in this meeting— Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, Bossy, Boring, Spacey, and Conniving.
If you want to break a man’s spirit, load him up with busy work and make him stay late on his first day back from vacation.
Stale donuts from a morning meeting, eaten at my desk. That’s what passes for a lunch break these days.
Whenever my job really sucks, I remember that all...
Except that one where you quit your job and get to jet set around the country taking potshots for $100,000 a pop. How do I get that job?
1 tag
The 5 Stages Of Meeting Requests
Every 5:00 meeting request is handled the same way:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Sadly, 5:00 is the one time of day you can’t claim you already have a meeting scheduled.
Some of you might mention that I left out Guilt, and that is because no one feels guilty about having to attend a 5:00 meeting. Someone should feel guilty about scheduling it though.
In Bizzaro World this meeting started on time, has an agenda, and will be over in 30 minutes.
Platitudes are not behavior. You cannot discipline someone for failing to follow your platitudes. It’s not like tardiness or absenteeism.
If I’d known that all it takes to sell you a good idea is for you to take all the credit, we could’ve been at lunch an hour ago. Separately.
“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” That’s great, but unless we’re in the lemonade business, we’ve got enough lemonade.
They still haven’t replaced the KitKats in the vending machine after FOUR MONTHS! I can’t work under these conditions. Someone call OSHA.
More busy work? And it’s a rush job? It’s an honor just to be asked.
2 tags
The Way Bosses Think
So to summarize: This latest project fiasco isn’t your fault at all, boss. Several people should have anticipated all the mistakes you would make and thereby prevented disaster.
PREDICTION: Next week you’ll be chiding the team for always criticizing you and challenging your decision-making ability, and then reminding us that you’re in charge and we need to just obey your orders...
Monday-Monday-coffee-Monday-coffee-tired. Can we skip the usual Monday morning banter and just come in at noon next week?
I’ve got no time for pep rallies.
Filling out the travel reimbursement paperwork took longer than the trip. /via @texaslippy
At the end of the day I think we can all agree how tired the phrase “at the end of the day” is.
You’ve spent 30 minutes telling us how cool your new campaign will be, leaving no time for people to disagree. Maybe you’re not so stupid.
17th meeting on the revised strategic framework*. *”revised strategic framework” is a corporate euphemism for masturbation.
Between the high opinion you have of yourself and the busy work you continue to assign, it IS surprising that no one wants to work with you.
My boss made a deal with The Devil to get promoted; being great at PowerPoint is just a “value-add” The Devil threw in.
Calling your department a “Center of Excellence” really cleared things up for me. Your department is 100% douches.
We asked you to give us 5 minutes in the pitch. You gave us 52 slides. And somehow we forgot to say thank you.
Lady falls asleep in meeting. Does she excuse herself? Fake a call or text? Gotta go? No, she just turns her chair away from the presenter.
I’m married to my job. I don’t love it. It was a shotgun wedding; I had knocked up my credit cards with all sorts of debt.
1 tag
“Your cc list doesn’t scare me. I still refuse to respond to your email.”
– @kerissmithJA
Thank you for squeezing the last bit of joy out of the project. Some of us had forgotten it was work.
Weekend Auto-Reply: Whatever it is, it can wait. Mondays don’t get less awful if you ruin Sunday.
“Only critical changes— no changes for change’s sake.”
– My hero
“You’re like an absentee father, and your kid is named Gettingshitdone.”
“Why can’t you fix this problem that I’m too computer illiterate to...”
– VP account director to technical group, only slightly paraphrased.
1 tag
New Toy! New Toy! New Toy!
Client: I saw this on another site. I want it on mine.
Us: That was Nike. You make paper towels.
Client: We never get BIG IDEAS from your firm. We want BIG IDEAS.
Us: We have BIG IDEAS. You have SMALL BUDGETS.
Good News: “There won’t be PowerPoint.”
Bad News: The meeting will still be two and a half hours long.
1 tag
We've tried everything
Coworker: This is impossible!
Meeting Boy: Have you tried everything?
Coworker: Yes!
Meeting Boy: Did you try [MadLibs: ACTION A]?
Coworker: No.
Meeting Boy: Did you try [MadLibs: ACTION B]?
Coworker: No.
Meeting Boy: Did you try [MadLibs: ACTION C]?
Coworker: No.
Meeting Boy: What have you tried?
Coworker: Whining.
Cinco de Mayo? Sure, I’m for any holiday where I can skip work and get drunk at a parade by noon. Viva Mexico!
Happy Synchronized de Mayo!(idea via @wadetoblack)
You are mean, incompetent, and ignorant. Life did not hand you lemons; life handed you CONSEQUENCES.
I know it’s the BVR Report, but can we please refrain from calling it “the beaver doc” in mixed company?
Eating at your desk sucks, but is sometimes necessary. BUT THAT MEAL SHOULD NEVER BE DINNER! Call your congressman.
Bet you were real proud of yourself, telling them off on their last day. Felt great …until they trashed their hard drive!