July 2010
44 posts
“It’d be nice if, just once, a VP got fired for a dumb project that failed....”
“I didn’t read the executive summary you sent. Can you just put the idea in a few quick sentences and send it to me? Thanks.”
I don’t blame him for being a vapid, ambitious, jargon-spewing whore. This was obvious in the interview. I blame the person who hired him.
“Take a deep breath and remember that he’s an idiot with no real power.”
“Someday we’ll all look back on this and remember how the day was saved by...”
Does that Kings of Leon pigeon make housecalls? I can’t think of a more fitting way to end a meeting than shit going INTO someone’s mouth.
I hope after I retire I don’t come back to work only to end up 23rd in whatever it is I do for a living.
Your degree was in communications; is it too much to ask that you not send proposals to the client with misspellings and grammatical errors?
“Don’t worry, you don’t need to check in. We’re declaring you...”
“I hope after I retire I don’t come back to work only to end up 23rd in...”
“Does that Kings of Leon pigeon make housecalls? I can’t think of a more...”
Dear Account Management,
Nothing useful ever happens in the second hour of a meeting.
Sincerely, @MeetingBoy
My boss is very susceptible to food poisoning. Apparently this occurs when he stays out late drinking.
The big boss came by and said everyone could leave early and have a great weekend. At 4:45. What a guy!
Another Fake Friday* in the office. *you pretend to work by emailing people who are on vacation until the boss’s tee time.
6 conference rooms, but you hold your department pep rally and awards out in the middle of the floor. You win the Consideration Award.
It takes a big man to admit when he was wrong. Apparently big men aren’t management material around here.
Free sandwiches* in the breakroom, left over from lunch meeting. *Only some of the sandwiches contain mayonnaise!
I’m having trouble solving this mystery at work, and I don’t want to be the fall guy. Does anyone know the number for Charlie’s Angels?
Need a job? The way things are done at our company, we’re hiring more scapegoats every day. Apply now. Operators standing by.
Management-speak: "take more initiative"
Translation: Do other people’s jobs.
Without any training.
Or authority.
And don’t step on any toes.
Also read minds to know whose job you need to usurp.
Don’t worry who gets the credit.
You’ll be blamed.
Anything else?
I am not ungrateful. You didn’t do me a FAVOR by completing that report; you did your JOB!
How to be a great manager in 6 easy steps:
1. Don’t be specific. Details are for scapegoats.
2. Fire everyone who disagrees with your plan.
3. Don’t test anything because it might fail.
4. Decide how you’ll measure success after it’s in market.
5. Blame someone else when it fails.
6. Repeat.
Maybe you're not aware if this new invention...
It allows people to send each other messages and updates, ask questions, coordinate schedules, and thus NOT HAVE TO CALL A MEETING ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING.
You should check it out. Again, it’s called email, and they even have it on computers now.
We appreciate you bringing food to the morning status meeting, but square bagels? What are you trying to pull?
Lesson learned: Always empty your bowels BEFORE 90-minute conference calls. Enough said.
RT @juicymorsel: Trying to wake myself up before the 3 pm staff meeting so it gets proper credit for putting me to sleep.
LeBron scheduled an hour to name a city. What’s he going to do for the other 59 minutes? Of course my boss has scheduled meetings for less.
Can I make a 5:30 conference call scheduled for 90 minutes with no agenda? I thought you’d never ask.
Sadly I wasn’t kidding about the 90-minute conference call with no agenda. Who wants to play WordsWithFriends? Start a game; I’m MeetingBoy.
RT @RyanJJohn: My favorite meetings are the ones about the important deadline for work I could be doing if I wasn’t in a meeting.
“Someday, son, all the pointless meetings and busy work will be yours.”
I welcome SkyNet and the rise of the machines; they can’t possibly manage things any worse than the people at this company do.
Status reports printed in color for a project about environmental responsibility. Hope our children’s children appreciate irony.
It’s so hot and humid in New York right now that some blame actually stuck to my boss!
It’s not the heat, it’s the micromanaging.
“You’ve used the rationale I developed for Atlanta for Chicago, and it just...”
– Way to go, account director! Way to go!
RT @theTCAT: With the economy as bad as it is, leave it to Obama to give everyone a Monday off for NO REASON. Lazy! #tcot #teaparty
What beats the Day Off Nap? Nothing, that’s what.
. @lucyspet I consider all of you to be my coworkers, as we all have idiot bosses, long meetings, and people with no respect for our time.
Hope they send us home early; I’m not sure how much longer I can pretend to work today.
Sorry, but when you require everyone to bring 3 copies of everything, you lose your right to bitch about having “too much paper on my desk”.
Yes, you’re a big shot executive and not accustomed to people telling you no, but your whims are still limited by time. You aren’t immortal.
June 2010
57 posts
RT @arjunbasu: The meeting dragged on and on. He was drifting away. The client was important but long winded. He studies his nails and d …
The person who invents a speakerphone that only works when the door is closed will be my god.
If you’re going to complain about my lateness, shouldn’t you
a) be on time yourself?
b) arrive before me?
c) go fuck yourself?
Just an FYI, there are other minutes besides the last minute.
New line on my job description: “maintain high morale”. Told HR I could do it, but not if my boss keeps trying to motivate me.
When everyone panics because I take one day off, I don’t feel important. I feel like maybe it would be nice to get a raise.