January 2012
42 posts
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“A group of lions is called a “pride”, a group of crows is called a...”
We’re in Day 7 of crisis over here and the account people still won’t admit that it was their decision to override the timeline and produce it in half the time and during Christmas that got us in this mess. I wonder what the record is?
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“The heat is broken in the conference room, leading to ice on the windows...”
– They work here too— they know.
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“The account director has perfect recall— she always remembers that she did...”
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“I hate being in the conference room with the glass walls. The looks of pity from...”
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3 lies in a single sentence! Don't tell my boss or... →
They say Mitt Romney managed to fit 3 lies into one sentence last night. I don’t know if that’s accurate, but if it is, it would be a remarkable feat.
I don’t know why the boss doesn’t like Romney, but now I’m thinking it might be jealousy.
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Rex Huppke on Sick Days →
Rex covers some recent developments in pushing for more paid sick time, as a health measure to keep germs from spreading. Sounds nice, in theory.
Of course in practice bosses like mine will spread rumors if you start to miss time— he’ll say you’re not committed to the job, etc. All part of setting you up so he can blame you the next time he screws up. Though if you do come in...
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“If you’re going to designate your office as the one with the candy dish,...”
– @thtchicmichelle (thatchicmichelle on Tumblr)
“Look, I know Joe Buck isn’t the best announcer, but we certainly...”
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MeetingBoy quoted in the Chicago Tribune →
Rex Huppke, workplace columnist, takes on meetings:
meetings gobble up time like ravenous tapeworms and often seem as productive as standing in soup [read the rest]
and ties it up with some quotes from me at the end, including to my most recent mission to End Status Meetings, a cause I hope you’ll all join me in.
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“Friday afternoon is like an intentional walk. Everyone in the office is just...”
– @flyoverJoel
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“Asked to review the conference report from the 8-hour meeting. I’d like to...”
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My Don't Ask Don't Tell (office version) post is... →
In the print edition I’m right next to Modern Family. In stores now. Awesome. Take a look.
And here’s the full post they are quoting from— Don’t Ask Me, and please, please, please stop telling me.
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“With Wikipedia down it’s Stupid Question Day all across American offices,...”
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“Oh, no! We can’t get to Wikipedia. Now how are we going to disprove all...”
“Paula Deen has diabetes and you’re surprised? Well, you are the person who...”
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“Don’t get me wrong— I’m glad to have the day off, but I think...”
In honor of MLK, here's my I Have A Dream (office... →
I have a dream that other people’s lack of planning isn’t my problem. I have a dream that your bad day doesn’t entitle you to ruin mine. I have a dream that your stupid cousin we had to hire can actually perform his job.
[Read the whole thing here]
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“I love when salesmen stick to their script even after my boss has fallen asleep....”
Rick Broida joins my cause to End Status Meetings! →
He’s a reporter now, but states that when he worked in an office the meetings were
with rare exception, each one was a boring, pointless waste of time that could have been better spent, well, working.
Check out his take here and my original call to End Status Meetings here.
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“How do you make attendees of an 8-hour meeting grateful? End after 7 hours. I...”
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“The problem with 8 hour meetings is the iPhone only has a 6 hour battery.”
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The Boss has a new years resolution for all of us:...
Yes, it’s become clear since everyone got back to the office that over break he did a lot of thinking about what’s really holding us back. And his conclusion is that our lack of positive attitude is the problem.
He’s a smart man, he even has two undergraduate degrees and an MBA from Wharton, and he has concluded that positive attitude is what needs to be fixed. I guess he...
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“5th hour of 8 hour meeting: They promised an exciting surprise at hour 6. If...”
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“8-hour meeting, hour 4: 50 type-A people barking at intern to write on...”
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“Hour 3 of 8 hour meeting: Still no bathroom break. Hey, boss, dress code...”
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“2nd hour of 8-hour meeting: They’re bringing in lunch so we can keep...”
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“1 hour into 8-hour meeting: If I hear someone say “value add” one...”
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“Headed to 8-hour meeting. There really ought to be a law against meetings longer...”
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“We’ve been back for almost two weeks— please turn off your...”
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“I’ve seen 185 PowerPoint slides already today, and they are ordering lunch...”
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“The boss, in his infinite wisdom, just criticized the team for having a negative...”
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End Status Meetings Now!
Status meetings are the single biggest waste of time in the office. And they are the only thing for which there is absolutely no justification. Never is a status meeting a productive use of time.
Sure, you may argue, that getting updates from everyone on the team is an essential part of a manager’s job. That is true. But the problem is that a status meeting is not the way to do it.
A...
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“It’s not a brainstorm if you do all the talking.”
– That’s a monologue, you know, like supervillains give.
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“The coffee machine is still broken at the office after a week. Frankly I...”
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“We have a non-smoking office, so why can’t we have a...”
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Finishing a project at work: 2 metaphors
Sometimes when you finish a project it feels like finishing a house: There’s excitement, pride, and joy. An email goes out to the company highlighting the accomplishments of various team members, and recounting the struggles overcome. Maybe even a celebration with the team over a round of drinks and a toast.
Today’s project feels more like finally squeezing out a poop: Wipe and get...
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“High priority” emails are really just regular emails from high-maintenance...”
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“I’ve got 674 unread emails from last week, but, yes, please tell me about...”
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“No, autocorrect, sometimes when I write “1/3” I mean January 3rd, so...”
December 2011
46 posts
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“Nothing beats when someone sends you an email during Christmas and your...”
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“Before you send another self-righteous reply-all, reread it, and if it sounds...”
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“Before you try to call me out for not responding to your email, make sure you...”
Top 25 Christmas tweets, as chosen by... →
Of course I’m on there, and there’s a @badbanana one about meetings as well. Hope you are reading this from home.
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“Nothing beats being lectured on best practices by a lazy, undisciplined liar.”
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“Leaving my work Blackberry in the charger at the office is the Christmas present...”